Martha's Gingerbread Bitch

'Hooked on they penis power', indeed.

2008-02-13T00:42:00.000-08:00

Don't roll naked.

2008-01-30T03:45:00.000-08:00

What is it?

2008-01-28T13:52:00.001-08:00

Toshiro Mifune is Dead, Long live Toshiro Chimpfune

2008-01-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

UFO's and a really popular font

2008-01-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

I don't want to really get into where I ran across this. I don't really have to as it's pretty self explanatory. Some class-A nutjob thinks aliens or whatever are out to get him. I'm just throwing it out there, I didn't write it so don't bitch at me about the spelling and grammar and general crazy talk. I tried to post it in Times New Roman for the guy but I can't make Blogger do that. Oh, and i snagged the picture off Google, I have no idea why as I don't think the guy even gets to the UFO part. So anyway, here goes...

==================================================================================

i would like to tell you about the ufo abduction which took place on my person on december 19th of 19 and 97.
this account has been typed personally by me three times previous to this session. i am typing this again because i have become convinced
that the previous incarnations of this record (which were all professionally bound and typed in times new roman typefont which is the most common
font used by business professionals around the globe). these records vanish periodically when my medication has been tampered with.
i know who tampers with it and if you are reading this and i know that you are you know who you are and that you HAVE tampered with not only my medication which
has to be given in correct dosage or i run the risk of major danger to my personal health and welfare. while we are on the subject, i would like to state that no matter
what you might be guessing at this moment i am of sound mental health. aside from a small puncture wound on my left calf which i have determined is either
a spider bite or perhaps the work of a bird (perhaps a redbird. i don't think that's relavent but i do not wish it to seem that i have hidden information about any illness)

none of the above matters. i will once again type this to you in times new roman typeface. my abduction occured along farm and market road 8180. if you have a reference guide
such as a map which labels rural landscapes then you can perhaps locate this road for yourself. i am not going to give nearby cities nor even the state for issues of privacy.
i do not wish for this record to be stolen as the other records have been. if perhaps you find a copy of what i am currently typing and you are now reading then perhaps you will
keep it safe. if it is PROFESSIONALLY BOUND as would be the case if it were given to a printer of means and merit who has the proper equipment to accomplish this task.

I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER USE SPIRAL NOTEBOOKS.

if you find a record of an abuction which is contained within a spiral notebook then i can guarantee you under penalty of purgery that this record is a fake and not one which i
have prepared.

please if you find a record of my aduction bound as i have indicated it is my property and i would ask that you keep it safe and return it to me at a later date when it is safe for
me to let the world know my location. yes, i am near farm and market road 8180, yet i cannot reveal more at this time. please do not ask for more information on my location
as it is not safe for you or i should you be reading this and know that i was in fact abducted by intelligences of a world which is not of the earth and has never flown the flag of the
united states (or the united nations as such. please do not inquire about the united nations at this time). please keep any record you find of the events of december 19th which are in direct relation to
my abduction and consequental meeting of envoys from a place which does not correspond with any known place on the earth. terra firma, no.
terra underfirma, perhaps.

it is no coincidence that humans are buried beneath the ground. or at times are burned to ash as were the ancient vikings. either way, the souls of human beings can be intercepted by
the envoys. please do not ask me what the envoys have said at this time.

if you find a record of my abduction, please place it within a safety deposit box within a bank which has a large vault constructed of reinforced concrete. lead shielding is optional yet always encouraged.

do not attempt to find me. soon the soviets will look out their windows and they will see not the city squares of the collective workers but they will gaze upon the washington monument.

this was typed within times new roman typeface. thank you.

I don't know what this comic is about but the art is amazing!

2008-01-24T04:11:00.001-08:00

The Fleeting Art of Wartime Baked Goods Vol.1: Sicily by Gen. George S. Patton U.S. Army

2008-01-23T19:57:00.000-08:00

Tatu' Sugar Cookies of the Italian Damned

10 cups Majorcan flour
12 ounces almonds, peeled and shredded
2 pounds sugar
Cocoa powder
2 tablespoons of True Grit
(*can substitute Violent Fear)

For the icing:
2/3 pound bitter chocolate
'Smokey' cinnamon
(*see preparation below)
A few drops vanilla extract
(*can substitute with an orphan's tears)

Preparation:
Send 2 green privates up ahead to Messina on the back of a half starved burro for some Majorcan flour. Do not tell them how to acquire the flour, just that it must be done; their ingenuity will surprise you. If they return with bloodied feet, no shoes, and Messinan Loam, beat the sissies in front of the company, and add one egg to the mixture to account for the loam.

Preheat the turret of a Sherman Tank to 375 degrees. Again it's best to only let the men know what temperature cookies bake at, and not how to stoke a fire inside a Sherman.

Work the flour, almonds, and 7/8 pound of sugar into a dough using a clean entrenching tool, and just a little water to moisten it, adding enough cocoa powder to darken the men's hearts. Use the dough to roll out S-shaped snakes or form balls the size of a blasting cap. Put them on a greased cookie sheet or the flat side of an empty ammo box and bake in the Sherman at 375 F until golden.

At this point make the veil: heat the chocolate and sugar over a very gentle fire from a burning plow or animal carcass, stirring constantly. When the mixture is smooth and creamy, remove it from the fire. Stir in the vanilla extract, let it cool slightly, and ice the cookies.

Smokey Cinnamon: Remove the buckshot from a 12 gauge shell and replace it with ground cinnamon. From a distance of 8 feet, discharge the weapon over the baked goods infusing them with the smokey cinnamon.

This van is so frikkin sweet...

2008-01-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

Ladies love this ride. Can't you just tell by the look on this guys face? He was on top of the world AND his game in this shot. I don't even know why I'm typing as it speaks for itself.

If you don't totally dig this ride then you are completely devoid of a soul.

I even wrote a poem about it:

super van
uber man
ladies love
super super van
jump inside
unicorn dreams
super van
super van

Go to this flickr page and see more awesome stuff.

Looking Glass is totally on the radio right now.
Brandy, you're a fine girl.